I wish I could tell you all that this post will be some intellectual gem. That after spending your time reading my words you will walk away feeling like you have won the lottery, read the most ground breaking revelation that will just change how you see the world. Unfortunately, this is not that work.
This. This is a rant. I need one. I’ve had a terrible day and I need to find a way to release these feeling without hurting anyone. Because at the the end of the day, I know one thing about myself. When I’m hurt or when I don’t feel good. I’m mean and my temper is non existent.
So today started out sucky. I could feel a cold coming on, my throat had been scratchy and my nose was stuffed up. I could barely breath. I had hoped that by taking some medicine the night before I could combat it. It didn’t work. Now I’m sure some of you might wonder, why did I call in sick. Well I should have. But frankly, I can’t get anymore behind then where I’m currently at. Between now and spring break, I can’t miss a day and I’m already scheduled to miss two. I’m playing catch up for days I haven’t even missed yet. How on earth is that fair?
Regardless, I knew today was not going to be a great day, but for my students I’d suffer through. It wasn’t as if we were doing much. It was a documentary for US History. A review for Sociology. The kicker came with AP Psychology. I had new material we needed to go over. Their test is coming up and I can’t stop if I want to make the deadline.
So off to school I go. I stop by CVS pharmacy and buy more pills since I had KonMarie my old ones. To be fair, they were from 2014 (I did this last month). So I bought some and have been taking them semi-regularly all day with a mixed dose of cough drops. Still all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep. I had plenty of students who stopped and asked. “Hey Ms. You all right?” So I knew I looked bad.
I told them it was just a cold and waved it off. No use getting them worried. I even had one kid ask me if I was pregnant. That was a definite no. Honestly, sometimes I think our students want us to be pregnant so that they can have a party. Anyway, I was making my way through it.
So I should probably add that we’ve been having some problems with another one of the organizations I’m involved with. I’m not saying which since I do not want to deal with breaking any type of confidentiality or what not. However, we have some students who are acting entitled and are using loopholes to make themselves look better and not doing any of the work that is required of them. So that came to a head yesterday which did not help matters in the least.
With lunch, came a student who wanted to turn in her glued in graphic organizers undone and had the gall to look at me like I was crazy when I said she had to complete the work. The assignment was not just to glue paper down. This is High School after all. I went to lunch, where I work a backroom black market snack selling operation to raise money for prom since, well we aren’t getting it anywhere else. Then I made it to Tutorials.
Tutorials. The idea was sound. But it was the most stupidest plan put together. I have students who need to past an End of Year exam because they failed it the last three times they’ve tried mixed with kids, who could take the exam today and pass it. I have until May to get them ready. I had one of the aforementioned kid who just pushed me in all the wrong ways. I mean, just everywhere. Refusal to do work, blatant disrespect before finally I broke and told him to “get the hell out of my class.” I was done. Plus to make matters worse, I used foul language at a student. Don’t laugh. I keep my language clean around the students. Away from them, I’m a fucking sailor.
The first time in five years a student broke me. I’m ashamed to admit it. I’ve had other events, administrators, teachers, etc. But never a student. This kid did me in. I give kudos to my neighbouring teachers who stepped in to watch my class so I could compose myself. My other students who knew what to do, and made sure the paper and the assignments were turned in accordingly. However, I’m ashamed of my behavior. I broke. I don’t know what it ultimately was. If it was this one event. This one student. Who in all honesty is an asshole. I wish I could say otherwise, but it’s true.
If it was the fact that I felt awful because of the cold. Stressed out because of the organization issue mixed with getting ready for District UIL. Getting only one day off a week because I’m taking students to meets or organizing auctions to raise money for said students. The stress of a tested subjected subject mixed with tutorials which I already hate. I don’t know. Maybe it was one of them, maybe it was a mixture. I just. Sometimes wonder if teaching, in the end is worth it.
I know it is. I do. I love my job. This one kid does not make it any less satisfying to see them walk the stage in May as their names are read aloud. Or the simple conversation former students might have with me simply because they heard some news in something that they knew I like. These are the kids I do all this for. It just sometimes those bad apples can get to you. Make you question if it’s all worth it.
I know I’ll still get up early tomorrow and repeat the cycle. Maybe I need to scale it back a bit. Maybe this was just my body and my mind telling me that I’m doing too much. That I need to take a break and I will. In about two weeks during spring break. I definitely will take my break. However, as most teachers might know. When the going gets tough, you got to pull your boots straps on and get to work.
I make light, but the truth is that we work on a deadline. I have a dozen different assignments that I need to get done by the end of this school year and I will get them done. If I don’t. Who will? Even as I’m writing this, I can see my cell phone blow up from text messages from other teachers asking me about this or that. Making plans for not if I go into school tomorrow. But when.
That’s just the life, I guess.
Any teachers out there who would like to share their story. Please feel free to leave me a comment below. It something like this has happened to you, please note, you are not alone and I’d love to hear how you handled it.